That Stupid SkyMall Catalogue

December 16, 2006

by Wiley Davis

Present in almost every seatback pocket on every American-owned airliner is a printed representation of consumerism run amok. Don’t misunderstand me, I’m an advocate of disposable incomes, and even hope to have one myself some day, and I can’t fault anyone for spending that income, but the SkyMall catalogue has crossed the line. Let’s take a look:

Page 15, the Ionic Breeze Personal Air Purifier.
Here’s what the blurb says about this charming, and obviously necessary device. “Create your own ‘personal comfort zone’ wherever fresh, clean air is in short supply.” My first question, of course, was does it work in space? I know for a fact that fresh air is in short supply in space and it says,”wherever.” If only NASA had known about the Ionic Breeze… millions in R&D spending could have been saved. It goes on to say, “This discrete, portable ionizer is worn around your neck and uses electronic propulsion to silently direct cleaner air toward your mouth and nose.” The device in reality is about as discrete as that banana clip Jordi La Forge wore over his eyes in TVs Star Trek. All yours for only $59.95.

Splintek 4’N’1 Oral Companion.
When I first read this product description I thought the SkyMall catalogue had finally become interesting. Despite the obvious insinuations of this product’s name, however, I quickly discovered that it is nothing but a twenty-dollar device for holding dental floss… a necessity because we all know that the opposable thumb has been highly overrated for such work. I am still intrigued though, by the possibilities of the “Tongue cleaner and ergo-pick” features. Not only does this little ditty make food taste better, but it comes fully equipped with “Adjustable Tension Technology”, ATT for those in the know. Dig it. Get it now for just $19.95.

Nature Monitor 1lb. Turn to the “Outdoor Rewards” section to purchase this wonder of audio technology. If you’ve always loved the sounds of nature, but were too afraid to leave the comfort of your “favorite room,” look no further than the Nature Monitor. It utilizes a “microphone” to “detect” outdoor sounds up to 75ft away. It says, “Leave it on and drift to sleep with the soothing sounds of the night.” That’s right. Now you can live vicariously a life that is happening up to 75ft away. Acquire it today, simply $39.95.

Ok people, here’s the deal. The SkyMall catalog should scare the crap out of you. These products are not anomalies, they are purchased everyday by people you could know. They could be your neighbors, or buddies from the PTA. Trust no one. The day will come when we are all enjoying nature from the tranquil comfort of the spare bedroom, picking at our teeth with patented technology, and breathing ionized freshness from discreet devices. Will you be ready?

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